3 Years from Now…

3 years from now….

I’m sitting here trying to picture it… My son will be 14 by then. I have sworn off dating and relationships until he is out of the house. It would take a LOT to change that.

I used to think that by the time my son was 14 I would be married and just working and raising my kids. Now that all seems like a far off dream. Its back to just me and B.

In 3 years B will be a freshmen in high school. Hopefully following the rules for once and staying out of trouble.

As for me? I feel like I’m entering my Carrie Bradshaw phase. I see myself going to all the work functions with free food (my favorite), spending my mornings writing (I don’t post everything I write you know..), drinking my coffee and enjoying the silence of a quiet life.

Carrie Bradshaw: replacing the shoes and clothes with books and dogs.

When Steve and I split up last spring all my friends laughed at me. Not in a “haha your life sucks” kind of laugh but in the “Other girls who go through a break up do something crazy with their hair. You got another dog” kind of way as my friend AJ put it. But you know what, I was truly happy when it was just me and B in our little apartment. Long before Steve came into the picture. I always wanted dogs anyway (I wasn’t allowed to have them while I was growing up because the apartment had a no pets policy).

Now I own my house, I love my job, I’m getting back into my routine, and I have been feeling more ME than I have in a long time.

From the age of 23 to 29 as a single mom with what feels like a lifetime in between.

Quiet nights that turned into early mornings. Writing on my laptop at the kitchen counter (now at my desk in my home office). Drinking my coffee. Mornings with B before school. Dinner every night. Bedtime stories after bath time (Not that bedtime stories or baths happen anymore, he thinks he’s to big for that now).

When life starts to feel normal again, you start to do your normal things again.

In 3 years… I hope that feeling isn’t “more me” it’ll just be… Me.

Daily writing prompt

What will your life be like in three years?

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To the Biological Mother of My Children…

I am 4 years into being a mother to these 2 kids. They were 3 and 5 when I became their mom. They are now 7 and 9. Here is what I have seen and what I want you to know and understand.

To give you some insight as to my viewpoint, I am like you. I had a horrible example for what a mother should be and so did you. Neither of us speak to the women who gave birth to us. I want you to think about why. Think about your childhood. Think about the things you saw and the things you heard.

Here is where we differ. I got extremely lucky and a woman came into my life and raised me as her own while my biological mother was completely absent for 8 years. Your mother did what she had to do to make sure you survived while you had no contact with your father. Your mother talked major crap about your father. The mother who raised me said not one single horrible word about my father or my biological mother who later made an attempt to be a part of my life. My biological mother spoke poorly about my father every chance she got while my father was silent on the matter. My father was my constant. Your mother was yours.

Our parents did what they had to do to keep us alive long enough to get to adulthood and that came sooner than it should have for both of us. We raised our siblings when we were teenagers and that shouldn’t have been our life. We then became parents in our late teens. You through the birth of our son, and me through the adoption of my oldest child. These were the moments we had to make our choice about what kind of parents we wanted to be.

These children get 9 HOURS A WEEK with you. And that has become your decision. The courts gave you a list of requirements to fulfil in order to see them more. It has been 4 years and you have not completed a single thing on that list. Instead you tell the children that it is our fault you don’t get to see them.

You get 52 days a year with them, and in the last year you have bailed on the ten times. While that may not seem like a lot, to them its been enough that they don’t believe you want them. When you don’t show up, I am the one here to dry their tears and remind them that you love them and that you will hopefully see them next week. I am the one who reminds them that it is your birthday and mothers day so they don’t forget to tell you. I am the one here when you don’t call on their birthday or show up to their birthday parties. I am the one reminding them that you love them when they get mad about you prioritizing your two younger children over them.

I have to sit here and watch you do the same thing to these children that our mothers did to us. And there is not a thing I can do about it but hold them and tell them how much they are loved.

The only thing we have ever asked of you, is for you to be the mother these kids deserve. They love you so much. Someday they will figure out who you are as a person, and I honest to
God hope that they can be proud of you.

The children come home from their visitation with you and tell us about their day, you are not usually mentioned in their recap. They tell us what everyone else did with them while you stayed in your room. They get so excited on the days when they get to come home and tell us that you played with them. On these days, we get excited with them.

We have always rooted for you to do better. For yourself and for your children. We have never and will never say anything bad about you to them even though we know you do not provide us with the same curtesy.

We are happy to be your support system. You are not alone in this even though you think you are. When all of their parents can work together and communicate with each other, the kids win. It is not you versus us. It is all of us doing what is best for the kids and doing what we need to do in order for them to have their best chance at a good childhood, and a good life.

We cheered for you when you cut your toxic mother out of your life and backed you up when she tried to get around you and go through us to see the kids. We cheered for you when you and your boyfriend got your own apartment. We cheered when your boyfriend got a drivers license. We cheered when you had another baby. We even cheered when you had your 4th child. We invite you to every holiday, and every birthday party, and when the children ask if you’re coming we let them know that you were invited and that you are always welcome in our home. We cheered for you because we are ALL a family.

You can make us out to be the bad guys. That’s fine. But one day, not to far away, these kids are going to see you for who you are and won’t want anything to do with you. I think you know that. My fear is that they will see you the way we see our mothers, and experience the trauma we inherited from them.

That is not my wish for you.

My wish is that you will break the cycle. Be the mother that you and I both deserved and didn’t get. Be the mother that fights tooth and nail for her children. Do what you need to do to spend more time with them. Be a person, and a mother, they can be proud of.

Neither of us are perfect and we never will be because nobody is. But our children deserve for us to fight for them to have a better life than we did. And that happens only when we can work together as adults to do what is best for these children.

We are two sides of the same coin. We each had a choice to make about what kind of parents, and what kind of people, we would be. Do we follow that paths that our mothers laid out for us? Or do we choose to be better?

Sincerely,
The woman raising OUR children

July 28th, 2020

What. A. Weekend.

Thursday night I worked late because my closer got sick and I had to wait until someone else could come in. Friday I worked an Open-Close (17 Hours total). Went back in to Open on Saturday. Got the last half of my shift covered so I could get some rest since I only had a few hours between shifts. Closing Manager called out. Got it covered, still ended up having to go back in and help because we also ended up short two drivers, one was sick and the others car broke down. Ended up working up until a half hour before we closed. For reference, an opening shift starts at 8:45AM and a closing shift ends (if you’re lucky) at 1:30AM. I went back in for my opening shift on Sunday, actually got off work at about 3:00PM. Monday rolled around and once again I was missing a closer and down two drivers again. Luckily we got the closing shift covered and people to help out in store so even being short drivers we were able to get them out at a decent time. I hung around to help get stuff done and my closer basically kicked me out around 9:30PM since everything was done. Today, was my day off. At least it was supposed to be. I ended up having to go in and open again. I only worked until about noon since another Manager and I were splitting the shift.

Needless to say, tomorrow is my day off. I don’t have ANYTHING I have to do. I will be sleeping in and not doing a damn thing all day. At least thats the goal. I made sure to run all of my errands today just so that I won’t have to do it tomorrow.

Wish me luck for a day of peace and quiet.

The kids have been great. They argue but what kids don’t at this age when there are so many of them. Andrew and I have decided that we need a Mommy and Me Day the next time the other kids are gone.

The court case for my nephews is in just a couple of weeks so we have limited time with them left. The next time we get them back from their dad however….. MY BESTIE WILL BE HOME!!! I can’t wait for the boys to see her. We aren’t telling them she will be here. I will just go pick them up from their dad’s like normal and then we will get home and BOOM!!! There she is!!! I’m so excited!!!

We’re still trying to find a bigger place to move into.

Ummm… I think thats it. I work, I mom, I girlfriend. The usual.

More soon! 🙂

July 11th, 2020

Hi there. Its been awhile. Life got crazy and then my laptop died so I haven’t been able to write for awhile. I hate doing it from my phone, it just doesn’t feel the same you know?

So here is an update, I’m going to try and keep it as simple as possible because like I said, life has gotten crazy.

August 2019 – Andrew’s therapist suggested we get him tested for autism due to his outbursts at home and at school

September 2019 – I wreck my car and switched from sports car to mom car (still getting used to it)

October 2019 – This is a big one, but you need some back story. So we are going to flash back to July of 2019. Its a Thursday afternoon. I drove Andrew to my home town for his best friend’s (my best friends son, they’ve been friends their whole lives) birthday party at a local park. My friend was just out of the NICU with her son and this was one of her first outings so I was helping her with her daughter so she could sit with the baby since he was still on oxygen. Andrew was playing and running with all the kids while I chased around a 2 year old.

After awhile I hear Andrew yelling for me from across the playground. I look over and he is sitting on the swings wanting a push. I picked up my friends daughter and walked over to him. By the time I got there he was talking to two younger kids and their dad who were also playing on the swings. As I walk up to them Andrew says “That’s my Mom!”. As I look down to greet the dad I hear “Oh hey!” from him. Suddenly I am face to face with Steven, the once boy that was the first love of my life. He and I dated in middle school. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first date. He was the first boy I ever loved… We ended on good terms but had gone our separate ways. The last I had heard from our friend Kat, he had gotten married and had kids with a girl we went to high school with. Andrew was completely shocked to find out that this stranger did in fact already know his mom! It was pretty comical! We chatted for a minute and then Andrew and I had to return to the birthday party. We added each other on Facebook later that day. I called Kassy to let her know just how small of a town we lived in for me to run into him. She informed me that he and his wife had split up and that she was kind of interested in him. I had thought “Damn, he looks good” when I first saw him that day, but as soon as she said that they were talking I put the thought out of my mind.

Fast forward again to Late September 2019. Kat was visiting our hometown for a few days. She got a hold of me and we made plans to go out to a local bar and watch a live band play. She had a family dinner that night and was staying with Steven while she was in town. I got off work that Friday night and went home to get ready for our night out. I picked them up at Steven’s house around 10PM because I had to drive to my hometown to get there. We all had a great night listening to music, dancing, and catching up. When I dropped them back off at Steven’s I went in to use the bathroom and we all ended up sitting up and talking until almost 4:30 in the morning! It was a great night!

Kassy went home and life returned to normal… So I thought. It was now the beginning of October 2019. I had gone through my normal routine of getting up and getting Andrew off to the bus for school and got ready for work. I was about halfway through my morning when I checked my phone. I had a Facebook message from Kassy! Here’s what it said… “So. Why don’t you go out with Steven? Just curious? Honestly i think y’all would make the Custer couple ever. Just saying”. My brain went into overload reading it. The first thing I asked her was “Ummm? Where did that come from?”. Apparently it had been on her mind for awhile. I reminded her that he and I had already dated but she wouldn’t take that as an answer. This ensued a conversation(debate) that lasted the rest of the day and well into the evening. I finally asked her if she was giving him the same lecture. She said no not yet but that she was about to. I told her that if she gave him the same lecture I would CONSIDER it. That was enough for her I guess because she sure did hahaha I told her he was going to say the same thing I did. Boy was I wrong…

The next morning I got up and did the usual morning routine. J was living with us and had just gotten home from work so she was awake as well. I left my phone on the charger while I took Andrew to the bus. When I came back, my notification light was blinking. When I opened it I had a message from Steven. He asked me out to dinner. I accepted. We made a date for Wednesday October 9th, 2019.

He picked me up from my place at 6:00PM. We went to the Iron Wok, a Japanese restaurant in the town I lived in. The first few minutes were a little awkward. It had been almost 10 years since we had had a conversation. Once we started talking though it flowed so easy. We caught up on the last 10 years. Most of the conversations we had probably weren’t exactly “First Date Appropriate”, but since we already knew each other we figured what the hell right? We walked across the parking lot to a local bar. We didn’t stay there long, it was to noisy. We drove to a different bar and played darts and talked. We went back to my place and watched a movie. We ended up staying up all night talking. I finally went to bed at 8:30 in the morning. He left at about 8:00AM. He has 2 kids, a boy and a girl with 50/50 custody. Here’s the kicker, this is what told me he was something special, his son… Isn’t biologically his. His situation with his son, is almost identical to my situation with J. Its crazy.

November 2019 – I stepped down and got transferred back to my home town for work. I still lived about 45 minutes away so I stayed with Steven most of the time so I don’t have to commute. J stayed at my apartment with Andrew to keep him on track with school. We all spent Thanksgiving together at Steven’s place with his son’s other Dad and his family as well. We all just clicked. It was so easy to just blend into one big family.

December 2019 – Christmas with the Whole Famn Damily. It was a blast! I worked NYE but Steven drove up to my work to kiss me at Midnight ❤ We met up with my bestie to watch a live band at my favorite local bar when I got off work.

February 2020 – Steven and I’s First (second if you count Middle School lol) Valentines Day. We spent the day watching stupid sappy romance movies. We went to see Dolittle at the theater, and then went to my favorite hometown restaurant for dinner. We planned on going Ice Skating but after dinner we were both so full we could barley move. We rented a Redbox movie and then didn’t really watch it 😉 I gave him a picture frame with the place mat that was on the table on our first date in it.

March 2020 – Now we’re into the beginning of the COVID-19 Quarantine…. Steven and I made the decision that when my lease was up in June 2020 we would move in together. After a couple of weeks the kids all got bored. J was staying with us at Steven’s since Andrew was out of school. After a couple off weeks the kids got bored. J and I started plotting…. It took us one day of planning, and one day of shopping to get everything we needed. It took us almost all night after the kids went to bed to set everything up… We threw them the most amazing Harry Potter themed day!!! Complete with potions, hats, butterbeer, every flavor beans, movies, games, and a feast for dinner. Steven wasn’t thrilled with the amount of sugar but…. He learned quickly after the holidays that when J and I plan something to just roll with it haha!

April 2020 – Andrew turned 7!!! He got a new bike and a new bed set! My best friend and I had a conversation. She had told me a few months back that she would be moving to Alaska to help her Mom who wasn’t doing to well. That much I knew. She has been fighting her Ex-Husband about the parenting plan for her kids (my nephews since they dubbed me Auntie 3 years ago!). Her Mom had gotten a hold of her and needed her sooner than planned. She asked if I would take the boys 50/50 with her ex since she couldn’t take them out of state due to the court case. I told her I would talk to Steven to make sure he was okay with it since we would be at his house. On our way home that day I asked Steven about it. He didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So we began the preparations to add two more children to our household, and my friend had her lawyer draw up the paperwork granting me POA for the boys in her absence.

May 2020 – I took a promotion at work. I turned 25!!! Kassy came home to visit for my birthday! We threw a party at Stevens as it was our last night of “freedom” before we became parents/parental figures of 5 kids!!! That was the last time I saw my best friend…. I don’t think there has ever been a goodbye in my life that hurt so damn bad…. She left her boys with me that night.

June 2020 – Work and kids has been my life. Its been wonderful though. Steven has been laid off due to COVID but I can tell he is really enjoying doing the SAHD thing. He loves getting to spend time with them all day!! He built them Foam Swords out of PVC Pipe and Pool Noodles. I finished moving out of my apartment and moved most of my stuff into storage while we look for a place bigger than Steven’s. 5, sometimes 7, of us in his 2 bedroom house is a little cramped…

July 2020 (so far) – We did a Whole Famn Damily 4th of July BBQ!!! It was a blast! We have been beaching it as much as possible!! I had my first official inspection at work and got a PERFECT score. Life is good!! I need to find Andrew a new Therapist now that we’ve moved home. He’s going to need it for when we move, for when he starts a new school.. Its going to be rough for him and I want to make the transition as easy as possible for him.

Ooof! That was a long one!! Well, you’re all caught up!!! Now that I have a computer again I’ll get back into keeping this updated!! Damn.. I forgot how good it feels to get everything out!! If you made it all the way through my shitshow of a post, Thanks!!!